Your stories

Today, at the age of 24, I am studying a reputable course at a university in Singapore. My family is pleased with my academic endeavours, and my peers around me are often delighted by my achievements. I went on the dean’s list and did an internship with a major company. People around me often see the external side of me, a studious and hardworking student, and a sincere and approachable friend. Unfortunately, nobody has seen the darker side of me, a vulnerable and timid soul whose trust and innocence got betrayed years ago.

#MeToo – Several years ago in my late teenage years, a plump middle-aged heavily-moustached male black-mailed and then sexually violated me. It was a dark period I could never forget. I felt used – I lost my dignity helplessly to the perpetrator, terrified and trembling. I could trust no one, nor did I dare to confide in anyone. I kept this hideous and shameful secret to myself and used academics to distract myself from the fiasco. At this point, you might be wondering if I eventually acted against the perpetrator.

You might be hoping that I would have easily gotten emotional support from my family and support groups and counselling, and then consult legal forces to prosecute the perpetrator to protect the victim, me. Agreeably, the nation has good support and protection for females, but not the male counterparts. Hopefully at this point, you have not assumed my gender/sex, but unfortunately, I am a male, biologically.

I was in the battle alone. Traumatised and depressed, I still kept this incident from my family and friends until this day. I went on from one counselling centre to another, but no one understood me. When I finally found a counselling centre, I was offered legal advice – to no avail. The penal code 377A penalises two males (it is gender specific, not females) having sex together. Technically speaking, that means that I will get myself into legal trouble for this sexual violation, even if I am the victim. The lawyer said that no victim has been prosecuted under 377A but could not guarantee that I will be immune from 377A. When the law exists, nobody can.

I felt unjust and helpless. Sexual assaults and violation can happen to anyone, regardless of gender and sex. The society stereotypes males as being “masculine” and “strong”. How could sexual assaults occur to men? It did. And for males, the struggle to attain resolution and closure is tremendous. There are no well-established help groups for men, and neither is the legislation in Singapore being helpful. Being a timid teenage boy who has difficulty trusting anyone, could I entrust the court and the judge not to prosecute me if I put the perpetrator to legal action? No. I spent so much time and effort to move on from the fiasco in this unhelpful society that sometimes, I felt that the most straightforward resolution is to commit suicide – to end it all.

I understand that there is a strong opinion out there that the removal of penal code 377A will “encourage the infiltration of more homosexual males to pollute the minds of the next generation, affecting the society”. However, an empathetic person will understand that the repeal of penal code 377A helps any males out there with the same situation as me to seek legal redress, regardless if he is heterosexual (straight) or homosexual (gay). As for the unempathetic ones out there, just so you know that 377A somehow protects the perpetrators, and your loved ones might be the next victim in line.

I am sharing this story to inform the existence of a horrific experience – the cunning unification of impersonation of authority, installation of fear with blackmailing and outdated legislation, and sexual assault through false correction programme to satisfy this perpetrator’s ruthless and dark sexual fantasies on a vulnerable and helpless 16-years-old boy. #MeToo. I am also hoping that victims in similar predicaments could courageously come forward and put these perpetrators to task.

It has been several years now. It has profoundly changed me how I perceive myself, my sexual orientation, people with authority, and my ability to establish meaningful intimate relationships with a tonne of pessimism. However, I had never imagined a day that this story would come to light more appropriate than now when Singapore is struck with a question of repealing or keeping Penal Code 377A. In fact, there were occasions when I might have been lost in an alternate dimension/universe. So today, I am thankful that you get to read my story. 🙂

#MeToo: A few years ago, a curious 16-year-old me explored the gay community discreetly in the midst of preparing for my O Levels. I had more fulfilling interactions with the gay guys there as I often get ostracised in my school. Then, I was happily conversing with a guy of my age, Jerald (pseudo-name), on an instant messenger. Jerald and I talked for several weeks, ranging from topics of school life, homosexuality and even sexual stuff. He was particularly interested in the guys I interacted and met. That was also the period when I had the first boyfriend as well. His name was Nicholas (false name too). Surprisingly, Jerald knew Nicholas beforehand. This mark the end of calm before the calamity.

Impersonation of Authority: One fateful night, Jerald started the conversation by stating that he had something to confess about Nicholas. I was worried but cued Jerald to continue. Jerald revealed his true identity (let’s refer him as Jerald). He was actually an undercover for (the now called) Ministry of Social and Family Development to track down homosexual guys and work with the police to charge them with legal actions. He threatened that he would charge me for exhibiting gay behaviour and inform my parents about it. I literally broke into cold sweat and trembled with fear. I really wanted to block him and throw my laptop away, but it was too late. As a government official, Jerald could easily hunt me down with my actual name and photo. Jerald also warned me not to leave the conversation, or he would proceed to charge me. It was wiser for me to co-operate.

“So, your boyfriend, Nicholas, is part of our probation programme, and talking to him is a breach of his probation contracts,” Jerald confessed. Little did Jerald know, I went to ask Nicholas the legitimacy of this in the midst of this fiasco. Yes, Nicholas was under Jerald’s probation programme. It was a terrible moment. Nicholas claimed that it was for my good and that marked the end of our relationship – in thin air. Traumatised and lost, I promised Nicholas back then that I will not pursue my gay tendencies (an indirect reference to present day Truelove.is).

Still, I was so scared that I might be thrown to jail. Jerald toned down and added that if I agree to his year-long probation programme – meeting him and his team weekly, not to converse or meet any other gay guys during the time period, and not to tell anyone about the probation programme, he would not put me to any legal actions nor make a police report. The conversation ended with me surrendering my instant messaging account to Jerald that contained email contacts to all other guys and arranging our first probation session.

Instillation of Fear: I recalled the first meet up with Jerald. Turns out, Jerald was actually a lot older than me, at least 2-3 decades apart, heavily moustached and plumb. In his office – a room in his flat, Jerald explained that as a secret agent, his operations are done in his flat with pen and paper. He then showed me several documents, including laminated news articles about HIV/AIDS/STD, warning me that having sex will expose me to all these, on top of it being a jailable offence (little did I know that he was referring to penal code 377A back then). I was so terrified that I could not find myself at ease until Jerald went easy on me. My emotions were manipulated by him.

Sexual violation: It was then Jerald introduced the mysterious “sexual therapy”. It was part of the probation programme to correct my craving for guys that made me want to have sex with them. He refused to give more details about the therapy, nor did I have a choice to reject the “therapy”. He began to blindfold me and removed my school uniform, and his mouth was at my crotch… That’s it, I was sexually violated – in silence.

“See, I am a lot better than other guys, right? Why do you need to find them for sex?” Jerald assured. Mission accomplished – Jerald devoured another boy. 🙁

The end of the essay: Today, homosexuals are highly ostracised in Singapore – with no societal safety nets, and the presence of discriminatory legislation and homophobic people. We are incredibly vulnerable. In fact, we are often attacked by religious organisations as being sinful and un-humanly. Jerald is a cunning criminal. His success hinged on the decades-long myth that being homosexual is wrong and needs to be reformed/corrected with homosexual therapy. In fact, he had a reliable source to back him up: Penal Code 377A. To a young gay boy that knows little, this gay boy would be easily convinced that Jerald is legitimate. In fact, for years I thought that the Ministry of Social and Family Development did such things.

Yet, we still see myopic keyboard warriors lashing harsh and irresponsible remarks to a particular minority of people in a country supposedly known to be harmonious – the homosexuals. I wish I could date a girl and avoid all these traumas that happened to me. Unfortunately, I can’t choose my sexual orientation. I am a Singapore gay son trying to gain acceptance from my family, friends and the society.

“Recovery is a difficult journey and I will not paint a perfect picture of it. But as someone who [has] been through the system, I can tell you that it is not a one-man effort and that you have the power to create what you want out of it. You need to give yourself a chance to heal. It is okay to not be okay. Just don’t push the people who really love and care for you away. I hope for other survivors to be empowered with the knowledge that they too have equal chances in leading a full life. I therefore end this chapter of my journey with a quote my peers from the Recovery empowerment for Survivors of Sexual Abuse group had left me with.

Past, I was the victim. Present, I am the warrior. Future, I am a survivor.”